Hard At Work
by The Great Xul
Summary: The Mayor punishes the Sheriff in a rather unique way for insolence and shirking her responsibilities. AU-ish, pre-SQ, G!P and somewhat crackish.


**A/N** This is a short little funny one-shot that I couldn't stop thinking about. I had to get it out of my system. I apologize in advance. ;) It's set somewhere after the breaking of the original curse. I like the old antagonistic vibe from back then. There _is_ an inconvenient "appendage" in this ficlet, but not much happens with it. If you don't care to read about something like that, bow out now. I won't hold it against you. ;)

* * *

"Hard At Work"

Reclined with her feet up on her desk, Emma was so absorbed into the game on her phone that she failed to notice the ominous sound of heels-clicking-on-linoleum quickly approaching her.

"Sheriff Swan!" Regina sternly barked out, "I'm sure there are much better ways for you to be utilizing your time than to be playing games at 10am, especially when you are on the clock and have a stack of paperwork on your desk that needs to be attended to." The Mayor raised an eyebrow at the Sheriff.

Jolting to attention, the blonde came back with one of her usual smart-ass replies. "And I'm sure that Madame Mayor likely has better things to do than niggling me with vapid trivialities." Emma raised an eyebrow in return.

With narrowed eyes, Regina took note of the seemingly new vocabulary words that Emma had used, but chose to pass up the opportunity for a snide remark for now. "I'll have you know Miss Swan…"

At that, Emma tuned out of Regina's diatribe, far too focused on the straining third button on Regina's Bordeaux-colored silk shirt. Today she was wearing that lovely-colored shirt along with a dark gray pencil skirt and her signature black "fuck me" heels. _"Mmm, Regina's a real pain in the ass, but she sure is a sexy pain in the ass,"_ Emma thought as the corners of her lips quirked into a small smile and she let her eyes appreciatively rake up and down the Mayor's body and then back again. _"People think I'm a hero, but I've got nothing on that poor button." _Emma considered the valiant effort of that third button on Regina's shirt. It certainly deserved some recognition. So much bravery in such a tiny bit of plastic and thread. It was truly putting forth a yeoman's effort.

Emma was startled from her reverie with a shrieked, "Miss Swan! Have you heard even _one word_ of what I've said?"

"Hmm?" Emma's eyes snapped up to Regina's. "Oh, yeah, something about paperwork on your desk by the end of the day and yadda-yadda-yadda."

"Yes, up here, Miss Swan," Regina replied with a sneer and slightly perturbed. "You really are worse than an adolescent boy sometimes. You don't even make an effort to be subtle about it."

"And you seem to make plenty of effort at being unsubtle," Emma came back with a cheeky lopsided grin. "I have at least one advantage on an adolescent boy, though."

"Oh, really?" Regina said, folding her arms just under her ample cleavage and forcing it upward just a little more.

"Yep." Emma replied letting the "P" pop at the end. "No…" And then she thrust her right fist upward while striking the inside elbow with her other fist making the _vaffanculo _gesture.

Regina was instantly livid at that, practically incandescent as she uncrossed her arms and leaned forward into Emma's personal space. "Well, maybe I should take away that advantage," she practically growled. And with a flick of the wrist...

This time the shriek came from Emma. With eyes wider than saucers she answered with a high-pitched, "What the hell did you do?"

With a puff of purple smoke at her crotch, an unusually large erect phallus suddenly started growing inside Emma's skin-tight jeans until it was practically halfway down her thigh.

"Regina! What the fuck?!"

"Teaching you a lesson. That's what you get for being so damn _cocky_." Regina said with a satisfied smirk. "Maybe you should have been concentrating on getting some work done instead of…_other_ things."

"Fucking hell, Regina! And how the hell am I supposed to get any work done with _this_ thing busting out of my pants?"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll figure something out." This time Regina raked her eyes up and down the blonde Sheriff's body. "At least now I _know_ you're _hard at_ _work_." With smug self-satisfaction the brunette turned on her heels and started walking away, sashaying a little more than usual. She paused at the door and turned to say, "Oh, I nearly forgot. Henry would like for you to have dinner with us tonight. We'll be dining at 6:30. I'll see you when you _get off_, Sheriff." As an afterthought she said, "...or _not_ as it were." And with a wicked smirk she turned back and continued down the hall, heels clickety-clacking the whole way.

"Regina! You come back here right now and fix this! _REGINAAAAA!_"

* * *

It was two hours later, but no matter what the blonde had tried, the damned thing wouldn't go away. Deep breaths, thinking of dead kittens, trying to rub one out—nothing would make it go away, or at least shrink down to a flaccid state. There was no way in hell she was going to try to head over to Granny's for lunch in her current state. Ruby would never in a million years let her live it down. So she tried calling Regina.

Seeing the number on the caller ID, the smug smirk returned to the Mayor's face. Calmly, she answered. "Hello, Regina Mill's speaking..."

"Regina!"

"Oh, Sheriff Swan, is there something I can do for you?" the brunette said as innocent sounding as she could. Oh, she was going to enjoy this.

"C'mon Regina this isn't funny. I'll never be able to get anything done today like this. You gotta get rid of this thing!"

"You don't get much done anyway, Miss Swan, so how would this be any different? I really don't see what the problem is. Besides, I figured you'd be the type to enjoy something like that."

Ignoring the insult, Emma replied, "Damn it, Regina! I've already tried several ways to get it to go away but nothing is working."

"Are you telling me you've been masturbating at work, Miss Swan? My, my, I'm sure your constituents would be very interested to know how their tax dollars are being spent. Anyway, you can't get rid of it like that since it's not fully functional. It's mostly just decorative."

"Are you going to help me out here or not?"

"NOT!" Regina growled. "You figure it out." And at that she slammed the phone down.

* * *

It was already two o'clock and Emma's stomach was rumbling like the Space Shuttle on take-off. It was well past lunchtime and the blonde was still holed up inside the Sheriff's Station, unwilling to chance anyone seeing her in her present condition. All she had managed to find in her desk drawer was a stale granola bar. God, did this ever suck. She made one last attempt at calling Regina.

"This is serious, Regina! Can't you have some mercy? It's been like this for four hours already!"

"Oh, my!" Regina responded with mock concern, "What is it that they say on those television commercials? If your erection lasts for longer than four hours you should see a doctor? Perhaps you should go show it to Whale, dear." The smug self-satisfaction was practically dripping through the phone.

"Ya know, you really are fucking evil."

"That's what they say, dear."

When she heard the cackling on the other end of the line, Emma slammed the phone down. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

* * *

A little while later the little bell that hung over the top of the door at Mr. Gold's shop jingled.

"Good morning, Sheriff Swan, what can I do for you today?" the little man greeted.

"I need some help here." Emma removed the jacket that she had been holding in front of her crotch to reveal her current dilemma.

Rumpel's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets at the sight and abruptly he answered, "Not interested, dearie!"

"Not like that!" The Sheriff nearly shouted. "Regina did this to me and…"

Rumpel cut her off. "What you and the Queen _get up to_ in your own private time is of no concern to me, Sheriff." Rumpel giggled a bit too much at the lame pun.

"It's _not_ like that!"

"Oh, isn't it? Are you sure?" Rumpel cocked his head knowingly and giggled some more. God that was annoying.

"Come on, ya gotta help me! I've tried everything!"

"Have you tried a donkey?"

"What? Ew, no! Of course not! That's disgusting, you sick bast..."

"Nuh-uh-uhh! Not like _that_!" Still _more_ giggling. "It's seems our dear Regina cast a Priapine Spell on you," the imp began pontificating with amusement. "It's named after Priapus, a fertility god known for his over-sized and permanent _erection_," he said rolling the "R" heavily on the last word. "For brevity's sake, I'll give you the _abridged_ version. As the story goes, when Priapus attempted to rape the goddess Hestia, a _donkey_ thwarted his actions. Now, here's the part of interest to _you_. The beast's braying caused Priapus to lose his erection and awaken Hestia. Likewise, the braying of a donkey can break this spell that Regina has cast on you." Rumpel looked thoughtful for a moment. "I do believe old Mr. MacDonald has a donkey on his farm; maybe you should go see him?"

"Ugh," the blonde double face palmed herself and started rubbing her forehead with her fingertips. "I _hate_ this town. Thanks a lot," came the sarcastic response. "What do I owe you?"

"Oh, just a _teeny_ little favor in contrast to the size of your problem." More giggling. What an asshole.

Emma huffed and barged out. Well, hobbled out would be more accurate, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

"You know, you're a real bitch."

"Oh, hello Sheriff," Regina drawled into her phone.

"Gold told me the only way to get rid of this thing was to find a braying donkey, but I don't have the nerve to go ask Mr. MacDonald. I'd never be able to look that old man in the eyes again. This is _so_ not funny, Regina." At this point Emma was starting to sound completely defeated.

"Well, dear, if it's just a braying jackass that you need, why don't you go ask your father?"

"You're enjoying this entirely too much."

"Oh? I don't think it's possible for me to enjoy this _too_ much, Miss Swan," Regina said with a sigh. "However, I'm not the bitch that you think I am. I only cast the spell to last during working hours today. I wanted it to last just long enough to teach you a lesson. It should be gone by the time you arrive for dinner."

"Oh, thank God."

* * *

A few hours later Emma arrived at the Mayoral Mansion, mentally exhausted but finally free of the inconvenient appendage. She trotted up the steps and knocked on the door. After a beat she could hear the sound of sneakers scrambling on the marble floor coming from the other side. Suddenly, the door jerked opened. "Hey Ma! Whoa, you look beat!" Henry looked at her curiously. Regina came up behind him and opened the door wider to allow the blonde room to enter.

"Yes, it looks like Emma finally had a _hard_ day at work."

-Fin-

* * *

**A/N #2 **I never thought I'd be doing something so farcical as my second offering. ;)


End file.
